


Persona

by anxious-vigil (roses_have_thorns)



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Gen, that's pretty much it, virgil being scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 06:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13584594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roses_have_thorns/pseuds/anxious-vigil
Summary: The backstory behind Virgil putting on a dark and emo act.It's inspired, with permission, by this tumblr post: https://asofterfan.tumblr.com/post/170419239708/sometimes-i-think-about-when-virgil-says-putting  and some lines are taken from it so credit for those goes to asofterfan obviously, as does credit for the original idea.My tumblr is anxious-vigil, so send me a message if you've got a prompt for me :)





	Persona

The day Virgil formed really set the tone for first couple of years of his life. Thomas was preparing to start high school the next day and apprehension had been building for a while. A sunken impression had formed in the wall between Patton and Roman's rooms and today a new door rips it's way into existence, at the same time as in the common room a young teenager clad in jeans and a bright purple t-shirt tumbles out of a portal with a great clap of thunder, landing on the floor in a heap. The other sides are naturally curious but the small boy doesn't respond to their inquiries, instead just lying face down, still in the position the portal left him in, groaning and making occasional comments along the lines of “Ow.” or “Existing is hard....”. Eventually, impatient and sick of being ignored, Roman rolls the newcomer over with the tip of his boot.

“Who are you?”

“I'm Anxiety, nice to meet you.” The kid lifts his arm up straight in the air for the prince to shake but he ignores it and his face crumples into a sneer of dismay.

“Thomas doesn't need _you_! He's going to high school tomorrow, it was gonna be great! They've got this rad theatre group and I'm totally gonna star in all-”

“Oh, and think of all the new friends!”

“That's lovely Patton, but I wasn't-”

“And I'm looking forward to an atmosphere of higher learning. They've got proper science labs and I'm sure the library has many texts we've not yet read.”

“Yes, but the stage-”

“What if they don't like us?” The words are quiet and only Patton hears them as Roman and Logan devolve into bickering over Thomas' priorities.

“Aw, kiddo, it's gonna be great! I promise.” Patton declares firmly, kneeling next to him on the floor with a wide grin.

“I'm _scared._ ” The moral side blinks at Anxiety's unsure face, nonplussed by a situation that isn't fixed by a Patton Pinky Promise, before pulling on his dad persona. He's not met something yet that can't be helped by hugs, cookies or a nice chat. He pulls a cushion out of thin air for his knees and settles down to reassure the nervous side, babbling about all the good things that are gonna happen, and ooh, they can play doubles table tennis now, except Logan doesn't really like it, and Roman gets distracted, and actually so does he, but still, you can play it, right?

When Patton eventually wanders off in search of cookies, Anxiety finally sits up, rubbing his back where it's stiff from lying on the floor for so long. He'd tried to bring up some valid concerns but the other side had simply switched the conversation to something else to try and stop him 'working himself up'. He was determinedly still worried and would remain so until the problems had been addressed and he was comfortable letting Thomas go to school. He was  _terrified_ of things going wrong. If none of the other sides would listen to him, he'd go straight to the source. Anxiety stands and prepares to sink down.

 

“Oh, there you are, scaredy kitten!” He jumps. Roman is _loud_. “Now, listen up dude, I've noticed Thomas is feeling a bit less than royalty lately, that would be you, yes?” A firm hand starts to lead him upstairs. He digs his heels in.

“I need to talk to-” The prince glares and he quails in the face of it.

“I've been planning Thomas' adventures at his new school for months. I don't need you to talk him out of them. Do you want to ruin Thomas' chances at a good first day? Maybe you're actually a Dark Side that ended up in the wrong part of the mindscape?”

“No!” he cries out in horror. He wants to _help_ Thomas, not make him miserable.

“Good. So you'll leave him alone?” Roman stops outside a dark purple door halfway down the corridor.

“No!” He can't let Thomas down, but he's so scared of doing the wrong thing, there's so much-

“Well, which is it? What are you going to do?” The creative side raises an eyebrow. Is he angry? He looks angry.

“No!” he wails, trying to pull out of the prince's grip, this is all so overwhelming, he was only just formed, he doesn't know what to _do_! Roman sighs.

“Ugh, I see why Logan doesn't engage with tantrum throwers. You are officially grounded until you can calm down.” He's thrown into a dark room and hears a lock click. Footsteps.

“Roman, what are you doing?” It's Patton.

“I'm parenting the new side. He's grounded until tomorrow **after** school.”

“Now, what did he do to deserve that? It's only his first day!”

“He, uh, upset Thomas, and yelled at me. He needs to think on his actions.”

“Well... I guess that's reasonable. It's what I used to with you when you were newer, and it is nice to see you taking some responsibility...”

“Excellent! Let's go see if Mom will let Thomas watch cartoons!” Footsteps again, running.

 

Anxiety's eyes are adjusting to the darkness but his vision is wrecked by tears. He just wants to make sure Thomas is as safe as he can be. He could be hurt by so many things. “Please!...” he cries. “Someone let me out! Patton!... I'm scared of the dark...” He shrieks, sure something moved in the black. It takes him 34 and a bit minutes to find the light switch, counted with shaking breaths, trying desperately to keep himself calm. He sleeps with all the lamps on, despite the fact he's firmly ensconced under the blankets, head and all, having double-checked to make sure none of his limbs are out and therefore eligible for being got by the monsters.

 

Roman lets him out the next day, after school. Anxiety has made the bed carefully, not knowing how badly the creative side would tease him for still being afraid of monsters under his bed. He's a prince, he probably hasn't slept with a night-light since, well, forever. Thankfully, he just boasts about his fantastic adventure, rambling about the after-school clubs Thomas is now in. He does spare a thought to ask about Anxiety's own adventure, his first night in the mindscape, but doesn't really listen to his reply, or see his shaking hands.

 

He spends the next two years chasing down the other sides, frantically trying his best to get them to listen to him. Patton lets him sit on the counter while he's baking but shoos him out when Anxiety complains once too often about the risks of the kitchen burning down, thinking that not looking at the hazards will calm him down. It only makes him think about how many other dangers he can't see. He tugs on Princey's sleeve but the other brushes him off, focused on getting back to Imagination which is  _worse_ because what if Roman gets hurt on a quest? What would happen to Thomas? To himself? He corners Logan to ask him as the other is working out a revision schedule in his room. The logical side deals with his questions with a level head, calmly pointing out the irrationality in his fears but it doesn't help being told he's  _stupid_ for feeling this way and he gets kicked out anyway, for pointing out Thomas won't stick to a revision timetable and will probably fail his exams.

 

It's so exhausting being so fearful all the time but he can't stop because what if something does happen? What if it's awful? What if it ruins everything? What if we  _die_ ? What if? What if?  _What if?_ And it's worse now because he's started to  _care_ about the others and worry about them for more than just Thomas' sake. Roman's quests, Patton's wellbeing, Logan forgetting to eat... there's so much to keep track of when he's fretting about four people instead of one, and not a single one will  _listen_ to him.

 

The stress of it is giving him panic attacks from being so constantly on edge, which only freaks him out more, because what if he manages to pull Thomas into an attack too through the connection they share? He's taken to sneaking into Imagination and releasing the excess anxious energy there instead of into Thomas' nervous system as would naturally happen. It's not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, and it's resulted in darker and more, uh, let's say... creative (Logan would say graphic), stories and some night terrors, but it's not like he can work through issues face to face with Thomas, the others still aren't letting him see him for fear of Anxiety affecting his host too much, and it's not like he wants to hurt Thomas, he doesn't, he  _doesn't_ , but he just wants him to  **think** about what could hurt him, god knows he thinks about it enough for all of them, and although he doesn't want his host to be nervous, as people might notice, they'd think he's weird, they won't wanna be his friend, they'll  _leave_ , no, NO, stop... please...

 

It comes to a head when Roman wants Thomas to sneak out to a cast party. They've just finished a production and the ego is on a high. All Anxiety can think about is the late time, his parents won't approve, sneaking out is bad, the roads are dangerous, he doesn't know the owner of the house, there'll be alcohol, what if he gets drunk and does something stupid, what if he gets hurt on the way there, what if gets caught, what if he gets run over, what if he gets  **hurt** , no-one knows he's going to a party or where the house he's meant to go to is, he can't breathe from all the possibilities.

“Kiddo? You ok?” Patton's leaning over him, a concerned look on his face and suddenly he gasps, able to get air in his lungs again, furious that the moral side is worried about _him_ instead of **Thomas**. 

“No.” he mutters mutinously, attracting the attention of Logan and Roman.

“Anxiety? What seems to be the issue?” Logan adjusts his glasses patiently. He doesn't want patient, he wants action.

“The _issue_?” he snarls. “The issue is you ignoring Thomas' safety. Do you want to get hurt? Do you want to lose everyone we love? Do you want to make a fool of ourselves?” He pauses to take a breath, the echo of his yelling still reverberating around the mindscape. The others looked shocked but he knows they _still_ don't understand. Logic sighs.

“You are behaving very illogically. Do you need to spend some time in your room to-”

“What is happening?” Roman's outraged screech makes Patton cover his ears in fright, the fatherly side dislikes arguing. “Thomas isn't getting ready for the party! He's getting into bed, and after I picked out the perfect outfit! He's... he's crying.” His expression morphs into fury. “WHAT did you do!?!”

“My job.” sneers Anxiety. “Don't worry _Logic_ , I'll head up to my room to _calm down_.” He makes sure to clatter up the stairs with satisfying thumps and slam his door loudly.

 

He sinks against it quietly, shaking gently. He hates yelling, Princey looked SO mad, but he can't feel guilty. His smile is uncontrollable. Thomas finally  _listened_ , he's  **safe** . If he has to lose his friends to get that, then it's ok. He can't remember ever feeling this calm before. To have Thomas hear him is all he's ever wanted. If everyone hates him but they're safe? It's enough. It has to be.

 

When he gets up the next morning, all the clothes in his wardrobe are dyed black. His favourite lilac converse have gone missing overnight. The shirt he formed in is now a faded black with deep tears in it pinned together with safety pins. He's drawn to a hoodie with a grey check pattern over the black and slowly gets dressed, marvelling at how different it feels. Heading to the bathroom,he stops and stares, raising a hand to his face. It's paler and more angular, in fact his whole body looks skinnier. He might be a bit taller but his posture has stooped so it's hard to tell. It's only slight differences but the effect is startling. The biggest change is the black powder collecting in the creases under his eyes. He tries to scrub it away until his skin is red and raw but it doesn't come off. A single tear runs down his face. He's changing and he doesn't recognise himself anymore. At least he's still scared of pretty much everything, that's familiar even if the image in the mirror isn't. It's terrifying... but... it's needed. He has to believe that, or, well, it would be awful, wouldn't it?

 

He's summoned when Thomas checks his phone, and sees no-one from the party texted to see where he was. The other sides are there but don't stop him talking, watching him with wide, frightened eyes. Good, he thinks, and the viciousness of it takes him by surprise. He now hopes they get a taste of how scared he is all the time. He wants their hearts to pound as hard as his. 

It seems the new changes aren't just in his appearance.

“See?” he growls at Thomas. “People don't care about you. It's better to just stay away.”

It's not the first words he wanted Thomas to hear from him but he's learnt. No-one cares if he's scared. They care when he's  _scary_ .

 

**Epilogue**

 

Many years later, purple has crept back into his wardrobe but his eyeshadow is as dark as ever. It's after the Moving On videos, and Roman is asking about Thomas' old stories, how they managed to work together. Virgil (he's trusted them with a name now) explains how they didn't, how he vented excess energy into Roman's realm so his host wouldn't panic, nervously pointing out that he wouldn't have imposed on the prince's space if there had been another option, if he wasn't so... trapped. That leads to more questions from Patton and Logan and he points out how silenced he was. How he found a way around it eventually. How they listen to him now.

How he had to fight to get that luxury in the first place.

 

Patton gently takes his hand. “Virgil... you know... you don't have to do that anymore. You don't have to wear eyeshadow or black clothes or be that persona at all if you don't want to. We listen to you now. We love you, no matter what.”

Anxiety doesn't explain that the eyeshadow isn't exactly as optional as it seems. He doesn't explain how he's tried it their way before and it didn't work. He doesn't explain that he's no longer sure how not to expect the worst from them. He doesn't explain how terrified he still is, all the time, especially of Thomas ignoring his concerns and then getting hurt. 

He shrugs. 

Pulls on a smirk.

“Don't worry about it Pat. I'm used to it. I've been this way long enough that it's just who I am now.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like a couple of hours today, but I still like it so I ended up posting it without much editing, let me know if you see something that needs fixing :)


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